Recovery From Abusive Church

1. Yes

2. Part of the abuse was "blacklisting" and making concerted efforts to destroy my reputation through bald-faced lies. Every time they heard I was candidating, the machinery went into operation. Once, I was two days from being officially recommended to a congregation, and the phone demons went into high gear and spiked the deal. That one nearly killed my wife, because I'd been preaching there for several weeks, and she had already started to bond.

3. I did not get a new congregation, because of (2) above. After several incidents, I quit candidating and pulled my resumes. In my home county, I get very few calls to even do supply preaching, although I do get calls from greater distances. We are in a counseling ministry (bi-vocational), and I teach Sunday School.

4. My church had a similar history. I learned that pulpit committees lie, and that if a church has not had a pastor leave on good terms in over 50 years, then you won't be the first.

 

Been there, seen it, done it, got the shirt.
My most recent church was abusive in that way, known for running off pastors and at times destroying ministries.
My wife and i were determined to stay and fight, but when we became aware of the fact that they were willing to destroy our ministry and our reputation...we knew it was time to get out.

Thankfully i got my resume out early enough to not suffer any real harm or effects. And another thanks was the fact that many in our association were very familiar with the situation at that church and were working with us to find a new place of service also.

It has not caused me to be overly cautious in my new congregation, although i do not trust people as much as i used to and i'm not yet willing to really lay my neck on the line at this point.
On the flip side, it has helped me appreciate being in a church where the pastor is actually respected and prayed for and not disrespected and preyed upon.

 

Our pastor came from a church like this, and I can see him in areas where he is skittish, and reluctant, he is still healing from them. But he knows we all love him, and we aren't likely to treat him like he was previously.

 

sorry about posting in the pastors area, it thought this looked like an interesting topic, and wonered about this from pastors point of view.

 

My father built a church up to over 200 and was seeing many folks saved in a church he pastored down South in the early '60's. Young men started coming from a nearby naval base, so he started picking them up. One was a young black man. A deacon got up in the service and said, "If he's staying I'm going." This and other things produced a movement in the church to fire Dad.

To make a long story short, they voted him out by calling in old members who hadn't come in years for the vote. (Anyone writing a church constitution, take note.) But God had His say. All of the five who led the opposition ended up going to Heaven early--one in a car accident, another through cancer, etc. (My sister can tell what happened to each--I was only a little boy.)

Later a man who had been in the opposition was called to preach, realized the damage he had done and wrote a letter of apology to my Dad. It was too late, though. Dad's spirit of ministering had taken a huge hit, and he never was the same. He pastored a number of small churches after that but never saw the victories he had there. Praise the Lord though, he never quit, and ended up going to Heaven by way of Alzheimer's after preaching the Gospel for 60 years.

 

Went through an abusive church as a youth pastor. It was very difficult to get over, but in the end these things helped:

1) Lots of prayer and support from trusted friends in the ministry. There were about 4 men who were extremely helpful to me. They prayed with and for me, offered me advice, and helped alot with sorting out all the details of what happened.

2) Coming to terms with my own shortcoming and mistakes which lead me to be in the position I was in. In my case, I had sat in on plenty of secret meetings that were rough on others and were intended to make someone (volunteer, deacon, etc) quit the church. I rationalized this at the time, and had I been willing to call sin what it was, I probably would not have found myself in the same meeting later.

3) Remembering all that God taught me through that very low time. Things are going great in the new church!

 

May I suggest a book for you all to read, I will warn you ahead of time there a couple of items in the books you probably won't like none-the-less it is a great book to help you see the abuse side.

The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse by David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen.

You won't be sorry you read it.

thjplgvp

 

The Wounded Minister, by Guy Greenfield is excellent, as is Seven Churches NOT in the Book of Revelation.

 

I think some of you are being too charitable. True believers actually act like true Christians.

What we are also seeing here is the reality that many of our churches are filled with unregenerate men and women, the fruits of easy believism, pragmatism and decisionism. We should not be shocked when they act like it.

God bless and comfort all you abused preachers, and God save the abusers.

And dear God, if they are saved, please treat them like your children and spank 'em good.

 

Theories

I have two theories based on my experiences over the past 33 years:

1) Golden boy usually tarnishes.
2) Those who eat you up in the early years of your tenure, later on, wish they had.

There is always a group in the church who see you as the church's "savior" when you arrive. Once you have made a few decisions that do not please them, you had better watch out. Their view of you will definitely tarnish.

Often those who are your closest friends during those early years will turn against you later. Go figure.

Pastoring should be a joyful calling, but personal attacks have a way of taking the wind out of your sails.

 

We were in a church like many of you have described as well. Left with our tails tucked. I know that there are genuine reasons for dismissing ministers so I am not saying all churches are at fault. Pastors are human too, and I have seen poor decisions and mistakes we have made.

It would be easy to get into the "victim mentality", but the truth is, God uses these bad experiences for His own honor. Goodness, can you see the growth you have experienced from those difficult times? Might just be part of the refining process.

However, the reality of where "church people" are now saddens me. I think if people really "got" worship these little kit-picky things would fade.

 

Tater said"It would be easy to get into the "victim mentality", but the truth is, God uses these bad experiences for His own honor. Goodness, can you see the growth you have experienced from those difficult times? Might just be part of the refining process."

1 Peter 4:12 Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you:

Amen Tater! God is good.

thjplgvp

 

It is very likely from what I've seen, that a lot of members of these poison curches are lost, and even more of them are inadequately discipled.

 

I have discovered through my early ministry that there are abusive churches and abusive individuals and a pastor should not mistake the two.

In my very first pastorate I served a wonderful church but had two abusive members. In hindsight I should have exercised church discipline and been done with them. The church was being held back by just two people.

Unfortunately, my mistake was two feel that the entire church was responsible for their abuse. The church needed leadership and instead I just duck and covered. If I had chosen to lead I would have had much support. I now feel that since I did not stand up for the congregation God disciplined me by calling me to what I thought was an ideal church.

This ideal church turned out to be extremely abusive. They had know understanding of pastoral authority and was filled with many unregenerate church members.

The core of this church were angry women suffering from dysfunctional marriages. They were instantly jealous of the close relationship that my wife enjoyed with me. They set out to destroy her. The gossiped slandered and ridiculed. For two and half years we toiled to grow the church by evangelizing the lost and discipling these new converts. Although we saw the lost come to Christ they eventually left to join healthy churches.

Again church discipline was needed but this time there was little support among the leadership. After these women torn down my wife to the point I sent my wife and children to another church to worship away from the attacks, they turned to slandering me. I was rumored to be embezzling. I tried as hard as I could to reach them but with only one success.

Because of pride I refused to admit defeat. I did not notice how this abuse was affecting me until another pastor confronted me. He pointedly informed me that I had become downcast, isolated, and started gaining weight fast. He encouraged me and prayed with me.

He helped me by mediating my separation from the church. They church voted me a severance package worth two months. And helped me circulate my resume. He counseled me and offered advise. The best advise he offer was that when there is a problem, "Barney Fife it."

I have since been called to another church. I relate to it somewhat differently in that I try to see people as they are. I am much quicker to to deal with anything resembling trouble. I also am very protective of my wife and children. I also have become proactive in screening potential leaders.

The best advise I can give to anyone in ministry is as follows:

1 Stay close to the cross. Pray, read scripture, and meditate and not just during sermon prep.
2 Develop relationships with others in ministry.
3 Remember you are a servant leader not a member of the church.
4 Never forget that were God has called his people to minister, Satan has called his to destroy.

God bless you and I hope that something I have wriiten encourages you.

 

I have discovered through my early ministry that there are abusive churches and abusive individuals and a pastor should not mistake the two.

In my very first pastorate I served a wonderful church but had two abusive members. In hindsight I should have exercised church discipline and been done with them. The church was being held back by just two people.

Unfortunately, my mistake was two feel that the entire church was responsible for their abuse. The church needed leadership and instead I just duck and covered. If I had chosen to lead I would have had much support. I now feel that since I did not stand up for the congregation God disciplined me by calling me to what I thought was an ideal church.

This ideal church turned out to be extremely abusive. They had know understanding of pastoral authority and was filled with many unregenerate church members.

The core of this church were angry women suffering from dysfunctional marriages. They were instantly jealous of the close relationship that my wife enjoyed with me. They set out to destroy her. The gossiped slandered and ridiculed. For two and half years we toiled to grow the church by evangelizing the lost and discipling these new converts. Although we saw the lost come to Christ they eventually left to join healthy churches.

Again church discipline was needed but this time there was little support among the leadership. After these women torn down my wife to the point I sent my wife and children to another church to worship away from the attacks, they turned to slandering me. I was rumored to be embezzling. I tried as hard as I could to reach them but with only one success.

Because of pride I refused to admit defeat. I did not notice how this abuse was affecting me until another pastor confronted me. He pointedly informed me that I had become downcast, isolated, and started gaining weight fast. He encouraged me and prayed with me.

He helped me by mediating my separation from the church. They church voted me a severance package worth two months. And helped me circulate my resume. He counseled me and offered advise. The best advise he offer was that when there is a problem, "Barney Fife it."

I have since been called to another church. I relate to it somewhat differently in that I try to see people as they are. I am much quicker to to deal with anything resembling trouble. I also am very protective of my wife and children. I also have become proactive in screening potential leaders.

The best advise I can give to anyone in ministry is as follows:

1 Stay close to the cross. Pray, read scripture, and meditate and not just during sermon prep.
2 Develop relationships with others in ministry.
3 Remember you are a servant leader not a member of the church.
4 Never forget that were God has called his people to minister, Satan has called his to destroy.

God bless you and I hope that something I have wriiten encourages you.

 

Very good post, BCFJeff! :thumbs: