Should a Pastor date one of the Church Youth?

I had coffee coming out my nose on that one!!!!

 

Sorry! I didn't mean to get your shirt all stained with coffee!

 

AMEN! GOTOCHURCH AMEN!

 

If I might sidestep the topic of who here does and does not have a sense of humor, I'd like to return to the topic at hand.

This "man" is dating a 15-year-old child.

A child!

I cannot reiterate enough that this is wrong, period, under any circumstances, for any reason. It doesn't matter if he's a pastor. It doesn't even matter if the parents approve. It's still wrong.

Dating a member of a small congregation can cause issues and I would recommend against it. A pastor is in a position of authority and is also in a professional counselling relationship with his or her congregants.

This is a whole different issue, however. Adults shouldn't date children.

Joshua

 

Should a pastor date one of the youth? No. I mean, what if his wife finds out? I will not say something that would be funny but not very tasteful, unlike Josh and Thomas

In all seriousness, a pastor would not be wise to date someone among his charge. That just begs for trouble. To quote Dennis Miller, I don't mean to get off on a rant here, but the trouble with our modern culture is our youth are digesting Eminem, Brittney Spears, Madonna, MTV, The Osbournes, etc., like starving people at a Shoney's breakfas buffet and subsequently we have 12 year olds with the intelligence of 8 year olds but the mindsets of 30 year olds. The fact that the parents in this situation approve of the dating is troubling. The 15 year old is on a different emotional level than the 21 year old, and this makes for a bad fit. I've never, ever seen anything like this work in this day and age. However you shake it up, it just doesn't make for good sense.

[ August 07, 2002, 05:23 PM: Message edited by: TomVols ]

 

Okay Murphy and Thomas, let's keep the gloves up. Warning to both.

TomVols
Moderator

 

C.S. Murphy said:

... If you consider this young man a senior pastor that is fine with me but this church is headed for trouble. I speak for myself I am no pastor but song leader and church clerk but I have been in the church for 35 years. Watching my Dad who was a deacon stand in the breech many times who headed off things of this nature before they became a church problem. The minister is suppose to be an example to the flock. First of all a minister is a man and can fall just like anyone else and what bothers me most of all that he seems to be given free reign. Where is the leadership in this church?... Where are the deacons and they should put a stop to this. I've seen more trouble arise in a church because someone thought they were above the rules of the church and it didn't apply to them. It will be interesting to see this post in one year

 

Please don't privatize! My pastor wants me to come to staff meeting all the time, and I also am included in the deacons' meeting.

 

That is what this forum was originally intended to be. A corner where pastors could discuss issues relative to the pastorate (Thus the name "Pastor's Corner"). I took the Moderatorship on the basis of that understanding. When the forum was over run by non-pastors, and I suggested just what you did, I was shouted down by a cacophony of politically correct inclusivism. When it because obvious the "Pastor's Corner" was going to be a "Free For All Corner" I resigned my Moderator status and, except on very rare occasions, have stayed out.

 

I'm all for a private, pastor-only forum. I would respect the privacy. But could us lowly parishoners have a private forum where we could...you know...complain about pastors without getting slambasted ?

And this question is an absolute no-brainer, I can't believe people have justified this relationship, while getting all upset with the catholic pedophilia.

JMHO.

 

I had ignored this thread because the interrogative title seemed to have a straight quick answer. But as it grew to 4 pages, I decided to see what this is all about. And that 'straight quick answer' is indeed there-- No, this can have many types of risks involved.

Years ago my best friend was in this situation, an adult in his 20's dating a 17-year-old, but he was no pastor. But one night they were parked on a country road, and a state trooper investigated the parked car, found them together and he issued a ticket for "contributing to the delinquency of a minor." They later got married while the girl was still in high school, and to them this incident was a joke they liked to tell. But the marriage lasted 1 1/2 years. She seemed to think he was something like her shortcut to adulthood; and frankly I was shocked at some of his admissions he made to me-- in essence indicating he wanted her because he thought she would be easy to control. But when she didn't get what she wanted out of the relationship she turned into a "{dog}."

This 21-year-old pastor and the girl in this church sounds as though it could be a too similar case. As with my friend {who later became much less of a 'friend'} there are the legal aspects which would not be the case if they were both adults, and the real motivations and expectations of both of them which come into question. And all this does not even consider the ethics of ministering in the church and this girl and her "leader" parents, and the conflicts of interest.

But as for a 21-year-old being a pastor, that seems inadvisable, but the issue is not clear. I once had a pastor who, although at that time he was past 50, said he first became a pastor at age 16. It was a very small church, of course, but he also said he was basically "seasoned" by the time he was in college, and he had seldom been without a pastoral ministry since the age of 16. Perhaps I have missed something in this thread, but it is possible that there was no one else who would agree to pastor that church, depending on size, location, and other factors.

 

I'm all for a password protected pastors-only kind of forum and have shared such in the past. Problem is, how do we legimately weed out the non-pastors? BB has had trouble with people being less than honest about their situations, so it's not an easy cut-and-dried issue.

[ August 08, 2002, 11:27 AM: Message edited by: TomVols ]

 

And would you include women who are pastors even though the majority of the board refuses to recognize the legitimacy of such?

Joshua

 

If this guy is "dating" a 15-year-old in my state (GA) I'd like to know who he is. I can arrange for him to have free room and board for years to come. And I don't mean in a parsonage. He wouldn't be the first youth minister I've had to lock up.
This should sound off some alarms bells, folks. There is a reason some people become youth minsters, scout leaders, teachers, etc., and I'm not talking about public service.
First, the church should fire the guy. Second, the police need to interview his "girlfriend" to find out just what was involved in their "dating". Then the police should interview the other kids in the youth group. I think you will find that this girl wasn't the only one he has "dated". I just sent away a guy last week (before I went to a conference) for "dating" one of his hockey players. He was a member of the Jaycees and offered to help troubled young girls, coached the girls 14-15 year old hockey team, and was trying to start a group home for troubled teenage girls. Turns out he was just building his own private harems. This youth pastor has got to go-yesterday.

 

FYI. . I believe he was primary pastor, not just youth.

 

My mistake. By the way, we're prosecuting a senior pastor right now. So its not just the youth ministers.

[ August 08, 2002, 03:31 PM: Message edited by: David Cooke, Jr. ]

 

Absolutely, positively not!!! A pastor or other minister SHOULD NEVER, EVER date a teenager. That is only asking for trouble.

As far as if I were on church staff, I would not date anyone in my congregation--lest I become the center of unnecessary attention, expectations, and pressure.

 

Yet another can of worms brought to the surface when we discussed this before